


On A Rainy Night

by kawaiikanai



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-21 03:29:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3675735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawaiikanai/pseuds/kawaiikanai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan finally admits his feelings to Phil but it doesn’t quite go as planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On A Rainy Night

I wipe away the remains of my cat whiskers drawing on the window to look out onto the city. It’s been raining on and off again all day and the windows shown thick with condensation. I rub the sleep from my eyes. I’ve been losing sleep lately; what with all the late night editing and video games.

Phil and I had planned on going out to Starbuck today but with the weather like this, neither of us wanted to drudge outside. So here I sit, bored out of my mind.

I was actually looking forward to going out with Phil. I always want to go out with Phil. Or, you know, stay inside with Phil… Anything with Phil, really… I can’t get my brain to shut up for two minute about him. It’s been driving me a little crazy lately.

Yes, I have finally realized and admitted my feeling for my best friend. I love him. I love Phil Lester. As much as it swells my heart and makes it ache all at the same time; loving him has given me some purpose in life. I spend every day with someone I can share everything with, the good and the bad, and know that he will accept me. How could I need anything more?

Phil walks into the living room, dropping down onto the couch and letting out a sigh. “Sooo bored!” He turns to me. “I just spent an hour on Tumblr doing absolutely nothing productive.”

I laugh, getting up and making my way towards the couch, sitting next to Phil but sure to not be too close. “When is anything on Tumblr productive?”

Phil lets out a chuckle. “Yeah, that’s true.” He’s quiet for a bit, just resting his head on the back of the couch and staring at the ceiling. “Maybe I should try to get past that part I’m stuck on in my game again.”

I nod, pulling my knees up to my chest, trying to get comfy. Phil gets off the couch to pop his game into the console; all the while I try to stare at the wall, table, or anything but Phil as he bends down to put the game case away and grab the controller.

God, why me?

He comes back over to the couch and plops down, a bit closer to me than he was before. I don’t mind as long as he doesn’t. I usually try to not touch Phil; so as to not make him uncomfortable and not tease myself.

There are those times that Phil hugs me or tackles me that I cherish. The times I know he’s my best friend and I could tell him anything; but when I feel I’ve finally gotten up the guts to let it all out, I freeze. I end up backing out and going into some kind of existential crisis. In those times, Phil’s always there to comfort me any way he can. If only he knew he was the cause of it all.

I sigh, picking up my book I’d left on the coffee table as Phil starts his game. I flip to a page, not really paying attention to which one, and try to read it; hoping to distract myself. After a few sentences, though, I lose interest; my gaze drifting over to the man beside me. He’s leaning forward, dead intent on slaying the dragon on the screen. He always looks great like this; face serious and focused. Honestly, he looks really good. He’s wearing that buttoned up shirt I love on him.

Maybe I can just enjoy this time with him. I don’t have to be on my guard all the time. I shouldn’t have to be; we’re best friends. For God’s sake, we’ve played Twister before; I think we’re pretty comfortable with each other, even if it’s not in that way.

I bite my lip, debating. Phil lets out a growl, frustrated at the Game Over screen in front of him. He glances over to me before starting up his game again. I pretend to readjust myself and let my knees fall to the side; touching Phil’s thigh. He doesn’t seem to notice; too intent on his game. I hold back a smile, feeling the warmth on my legs.

This is all I can have from him, this little warmth here and there; but it’s enough. It’s enough knowing we’ll be friends forever.

He throws the controller onto the couch, covering his face with his hands and making crying sounds. “I give up.” He sighs, letting his hands drop to his sides, his hand landing on my knee. I flinch, his touch sudden, but welcome. I mentally tell myself not to blush; but probably horribly failing.

I stifle a yawn. “Maybe I can try to beat it for you. I’m pretty good at these kind of games.”

He smirks. “Bragger. No, I think I’ll put it up for now. Maybe I should start the game all over and rebuild my character.”

I sit up a bit, but try to not move my legs. “You’ve worked on this character a lot, you shouldn’t just dump it, idiot.”

Phil lightly punches my arm. “You’re the idiot.”

I punch him back. “Not likely!”

Phil makes a playfully scary face at me; then pounces. He pushes me down on the couch; grabbing my arms. I let out a laugh, trying to get my leg up to kick him off but all I manage is to put my leg between his. We fight for a while, both of us trying to gain advantage over the other. In the end, clearly due to me already being tired, Phil’s strength over powers me and I give up; lying there and catching my breath.

It takes me a second to realize what kind of situation I’ve put myself in. In all the fun of wrestling with Phil I didn’t realize I was wrestling with Phil. He has me pinned down, my leg in-between his and we’re both breathing heavily. The scene of him on top of me like this…

He’s staring down at me, hair ruffled. God, I can’t take this… He’s too close, too warm, too… Everything. He’s everything I want and need in this world and he’s on top of me. I need him… I need him to know how I feel. He needs to know that I’m thankful every day for the simple fact that he breathes.

I swallow down my anxiousness… and lean up; pressing my lips against his.

* 

I don’t know what to do. One second I had Dan down for the count, then I faintly taste syrup from the pancakes we had made this very morning together. Dan, why do you have to do this? I’ve tried so hard to control myself around you; why do you have to test me like this?

I can feel his leg between mine, teasing the inside of my thighs.

This can’t be happening. I’ve known for a while now that Dan has feeling for me; but I also know that he’s been trying very hard to keep them a secret from me. Covering smiles and turning his head when he started to blush. I started noticing these tell-tale signs as soon as we started living together.

The only thing I don’t know is why.

Why would someone as gorgeous and perfect as Dan fall for someone like me?

I can’t waste this chance. Dan is right here, kissing me. I know how much it must have took him to finally do this. I can’t mess this up for him.

After freezing for much too long, I finally kiss him back. His head leans back into the couch but I keep my mouth pressed to his. This feeling is unbelievable. His lips feel so comfortable against mine, it’s like they were made for me.

My hand flies up to cup his face; no longer holding back from this amazing feeling. I feel his now free arm move up and his fingers tangle into my hair. I shift my weight, trying to get more comfortable on the small couch and my thigh rubs against Dan’s. His breath catches a bit and I break our kiss, resting my forehead against his. He looks up at me, eyes wide and breathing low.

I place my hand gently on his knee; my mind racing. He swallows, his deep brown eyes searching my face. I let my hand start to move on its own, sliding it down the inside of his thigh. Dan closes his eyes, letting out a held breath.

This feeling is too surreal. For too long I’ve waited; trying to control myself from letting my emotions show. Yes, I’ve slipped a few times, like when I tackled him, but I’ve still held it in.

Now that I’m free like this, my hands don’t know what to do. They want to go everywhere, but I’m scared they may go too far too fast. My head is cloudy; I can’t think straight. All I can sense is him under me and his hand in my hair. I’m still holding his other hand down, afraid of letting go.

“Phil…” Dan pants, “I…”

Hearing Dan’s voice brings me back a bit. That’s right. All Dan did was kiss me and here I am pinning him down. What am I doing? I… I can’t do this.

I sit up, releasing his wrist where it’s turned a bit red. Did I really do that? I look at his half-lidded eyes, his heaving chest; wondering what I was thinking.

I wasn’t thinking.

I wasn’t thinking of Dan’s feelings; I was thinking of my own selfish ones. My need to be with him. My need to feel him. I’m such an idiot.

“I… I’m so sorry, Dan.” I stutter, jumping off the couch. I turn around grabbing my keys off the table. I need to get out of here. I need to get away from him before I force myself on him any more. I make my way to the door but hear Dan’s weight come off the couch to follow me.

“Phil, wait…” Dan chokes. He sounds so broken, I can’t stand it. My chest hurts.

“I need to think, Dan.” Is all I can say before I reach the door.

*

The door closes and I sink to my knees. The overwhelming coldness from the absence of Phil’s body pierced through my heart. I messed up. I had finally had Phil in my arms, the way I’d always dreamed, and now he’s gone.

What did I do wrong? I kissed him and then he kissed back. Did I imagine it? Was it all some freakish illusion brought on by my exhaustion? I spot my Totoro plushy by the couch and I snatch it up, squeezing it so tight it’d surely die if it were alive. It was no substitute, though, for Phil’s warm and tender embrace.

I bury my face into Totoro’s head, my tears wetting it. For the first time in a long time, I let myself cry. I let myself have a breakdown that Phil would otherwise be here to stop. He’d always be here to comfort me; to let me know everything would be alright. It would always get better.

But not this time.

I scoot back, leaning against the couch and letting the tears stream down my face. I rub my burning eyes; feeling my tiredness take over. Let sleep take me; please. Let me dream of being with Phil like I usually do, not like this real-life nightmare. My eyes close and I squeeze Totoro once more before being swallowed up by visions of haunting, ice-blue eyes.

~~~~~

I wake up feeling my head on the floor. I must have fallen over and not felt it. I feel Totoro still in my arms and cuddle it; wanting to slip back into my dream world. I open an eye and glance at the clock; then sit up.

It had been a while since Phil stormed out and there was no sign of him. I get up and sprint down the hall, checking Phil’s room, the bathroom, everywhere. No Phil. He must still be out. I speed walk to the window and fling the curtain open just as a flash of lightening cracks through the sky and a boom of thunder thuds into my chest.

Phil is out there. Alone. In this horrible weather.

No matter what he thinks of me right now; he can’t be out there like this. He’ll get sick. Cursing, I run to grab an umbrella before heading out the door. I make my way down the stairs and into the street; pausing.

Where would Phil go? He said he needed to think. He always likes to isolate himself whenever he’s concentrating on something; wanting total silence where as I need music or something when I’m working. The only place I can think to be quiet at this time of night in a big city like this is the park.

It’s so far away; but that has to be it. I make my way down the pavement, clutching my aching chest and hoping Phil’s alright. I go past building after building, winding around the corner past the Starbuck we were supposed to go to today. The people inside look so happy talking and laughing or busy on their laptops. I find myself envious of them.

While passing by the door, two girls come out and happen to look at me. It takes them a second, but they soon recognize me and let out matching squeals of glee.

“Oh my god, it’s Danisnotonfire!” One of them says, pointing at me. The other jumps up and down, seemingly too excited to say anything. “We’re such big fans!”

I force a smile. “Thanks, ladies. I’m sorry, but I’m in a hurry.” I quickly wave a hand and speed past them, making them both say, ‘aaaaaw!’ I hate being rude to fans, but this is more important right now.

I run into a man in a suit, quickly apologizing without even looking at his face. Out of breath, I have to stop; looking down at my soaking pants from all the puddles I’d stepped in. I’m in too much of a hurry to avoid them now.

After a moment, I continue on my way. Making it around another corner; I have the park in my sight, a smile almost overcoming my face in semi-relief. I slip through the entrance and there, at the center fountain, I see a figure.

It looks like he’s been standing there for a while, staring off into space. I swallow, seeing him suddenly making me lose my resolve. What if I mess up again? I’ve already made him storm out of the house; what if I make him even more mad?

I mentally shake my head. No, I have to go to him. If anything, I’ll just give him the umbrella then wait for him back at home.

Then I really have to shake my head. No. I have to tell him once and for all how I feel. I’ve already made it clear by kissing him, but it still needs to be said.

I take one shaky step forward, then another, almost robotically walking toward him. I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the worst, then walk up to the fountain.

*

By the time I reach the park I’m drenched. I pull at my clinging clothes, making me uncomfortable but not really caring. I stomp over to the fountain at the center, watching my breath rise into the night air.

I’m so stupid for coming out here like this, but I had no other choice. The rain literally and figuratively made me cool down. If only the rain could help my brain shut up.

I can’t be mad at Dan for kissing me; but I wish he hadn’t. Yes, I’d loved it. I can’t deny that as my fingers trace my still tingling lips. What will we do now, though? Living together with him was hard enough; keeping control and hiding my feelings… But now both of our feelings were out there. I… I don’t even want these feelings. I know they’re wrong in so many ways. I know people will judge us for being this way. That’s why it was easier to just hold it in. To live and pretend like we we’re normal.

But we’re not normal.

I tilt my head skyward, wishing I could see the stars tonight instead of just clouds. Some nights when I would lie awake in bed, I’d stare out the window at the stars; wishing on every last one of them that life was so much simpler.

I look down at the ground, kicking a rock near my feet. I still don’t understand what Dan sees in me anyway. Yeah, he and I work great as best friends, we have so much in common and have similar personalities; but as a boyfriend?

I suddenly hear footsteps behind me, walking slowly like they were timid. I stiffen, knowing who it is and I take a deep breath. A round shadow envelopes my own, cast by the streetlamp nearby; and I no longer feel the rain pelting me.

Dan clears his throat. “I know you don’t want to see me right now, but I don’t want you getting sick.”

I’m glad I’m facing away from Dan, because I can’t hold my saddened smile in. Dan… Even after I’ve denied him and walked out on him; he’s come all the way out in the pouring rain just for me. I don’t deserve this kindness.

Dan shuffles his feet. “I’m sorry for what I did… I was out of line. I…” I can tell Dan is fumbling for the right words, nervousness making him shake a bit. He’s usually so blunt, even downright rude. But when it came to times like this; he was so thoughtful with his words.

After a moment, Dan steps a bit closer, taking a deep breath. “No.”

I’m caught off guard by his sternness, turning a bit to peak at him. He’s staring at me, eyes determined. His fist is clenched but shaky, his other hand tightly gripping the umbrella. I turn around, fully facing him. “What?”

“I… I’m not sorry.” He breaks his stare, turning to the fountain to regain his confidence. When he looks back to me a chill goes down my spine. I’ve seen that look in his eyes before. He’s about to go all-or-nothing.

I want to beg him to stop. To not say those final words that will make us never be able to go back to normal again. But deep down in my heart I want to hear it. I want to shout those same words back at him so much I can feel them almost clawing out of my chest.

Time feels like it’s stopped; until Dan opens his mouth.

“I love you, Phil.” Dan’s voice cracks, and with it his tears finally brim over his eyes, all strength lost as the long awaited words hang in the air.

I let the words sink into my chest, their meaning swelling my heart and warming me almost as much as his body against mine did. I start to say something, I don’t know what, but Dan cuts me off.

“I’ve loved you for a while now and… I can’t keep it in anymore.” His hand goes to his chest, clutching his shirt. “I’ve had these feelings since we first started being friends, but at the time I didn’t know what they were. They were so strange… Every time I look at you, I feel my heart pound so fast it scares me.” He sniffles and my own emotions start to get the better of me, my eyes starting to sting.

My fists are clenched so tight I think my palms might start to bleed from my nails digging in. I turn away, not being able to look at him anymore. “Dan… You know we shouldn’t do this. What would people think?” I hate myself right now. I loathe myself for denying him like this; and for denying myself. I have to protect him, though. I can’t stand the thought of people hating him if he were to be with me.

I feel a hand on my arm and I flinch, turning back to him to see a look of utter hurt on his face. “When have I ever cared about what other people think of me?”

I grit my teeth, knowing he’s right; but that’s beside the point right now. “It’s not just about what other people think…” I need to just say it. Getting it off my chest will end this right here and now and let us go back to somewhat normalcy. “You deserve better.”

The look that overcomes Dan’s face is a mix of shock and I don’t know what. I don’t get a good look before Dan grabs me by the collar, abandoning the umbrella on the ground. The rain once again pours down on us, streaming down our faces and hiding my tears. I’ve never seen Dan look this angry before.

“Don’t you ever say that again, Phil Lester!” Dan almost shouts at me. “Is that what’s been holding you back? You don’t feel good enough?”

“Everyone loves you, Dan.” I retort, throwing my arms up. “You get so depressed, thinking you’re worthless, when there are so many people out there that love you. Including me.”

We both freeze, realizing what I’ve just said, and Dan releases me.

“So, you kissing me back wasn’t just my imagination.” He almost seems relieved.

I run my hand through my hair, pushing the wet, matted mess out of my face. “Of course I do.” I give up on my own self-control and take his chin in my hand, making him look at me. “I love you more than I could ever tell you. I only want what’s best for you. That’s why I didn’t tell you how I feel.” I let out a sigh. “I… I don’t feel worthy of your perfection.”

Dan smirks a bit. “You idiot. You know me better than anyone else. Do you not think I’m smart enough to make my own decisions and know what’s best for myself?”

My face burns. “I know you are, of course-“

“Then shut up.” Dan grabs my shirt again, gentler this time, and pulls me to him. His mouth presses to mine and any protests about us that were trying to form in my mind were washed away with the rain. I wrap my arms around his waist, never wanting to let go of this perfect moment; this perfect person.

How could I have lived so long without him in my arms?

I break away, resting my forehead against his. “I’m sorry for being an idiot.”

He smiles at me. “I’ll let it slide; as long as you’re my idiot. Deal?”

“Deal.” I let myself smile now, not having to hold back any longer. “I love you, Dan.” The words roll off my tongue as if I’ve said them a hundred times before.

“I love you, too.” Dan breathes. I shiver a bit, from this amazing moment and from the cold. “Let’s get home before we really do get sick.” Dan suggests.

I nod in agreement. Dan fetches the umbrella that has blown a few yards away by now, but doesn’t bother to put it up seeing as were already soaked through. He comes back over to me and immediately takes my hand. I blush, but firmly take his back, not scared anymore; and we start to make our way back home.

Let people judge us. As long as we have each other, none of it will matter.


End file.
